It seems with each passing day Bethany becomes more a little girl and less a little baby. Gone are the days of being completely contented to hang out in her bouncy chair. Now she can't be contained, she hates to be restricted and she just has to know what's happening around her. She has a little personality that is emerging, with a tiny temper like her Momma, a quick smile like her Daddy and a million other things unlike either of us. She's Bethany and she's great!
Sitting cuddling her in the middle of the night a few nights back I started really thinking. Who do I want her to be? What are the dreams I have for her? I realized that I couldn't decide who I want to be as her Mom until I decide who I want to see her become as a person. Now I'm not going to lie and say that I don't have dreams of dressing her in pink frilly dresses, or watching her dance across a stage in her tutu or cheer when she scores her first goal or wears her first hockey jersey. But those are my dreams, for me really not for her.
I want Bethany to be honest. The kind of person you can trust to tell you when that skirt really is too big or there is brocolli in your teeth. I want her to be sincere, so that everyone around her knows that her honest words are genuine. When she tells you that you look beautiful, somehow you feel a little better about yourself because you know she means it. I want to raise her to be strong, to be a confident woman. Someone who's head is always held high, and who's eyes are never afraid to meet yours. The kind of woman ready for a challenge, prepared to defend what's right.
I want to raise her to follow Jesus, to not only believe in Him but to want to be like Him. To be a faithful servant, willing to go where He calls and do what He asks without hesitation. I want her to know that she's His child first and mine second, and that as much as my love for her is all consuming somehow His love is greater. I want her to want to shine with His light and rest in His arms when times get tough. Because I know as much as I want to protect her from the world and sheild her from it's hurts they will come. And when they do, I want her to cling to Him and lean on us.
I want Bethany to know true love, to know the difference between love and lust. I want her to fall in love with someone, madly in love and know that true love feels like coming home. It's the feeling of being safe and loved, cherished and respected. I want her to be willing to love, to give it freely to love her friends, her family, her spouse and the people she'll meet from day to day. I dream of a daughter who is compassionate. Who sees a vagrant on the street and doesn't shun him but prays for him even if she can't help. I want Bethany to cry when she sees her brother hurt, or ache when she knows she's caused someone pain because that's the heart of someone who cares. I hope that she can learn to be humble and never know it. The kind of true humbleness that only the people around her can see. I need to know that she'll admit when she's wrong and apologize for her mistakes, but she'll learn from them and move on.
I pray that she'll find a husband who love her like Corey loves me, there is no greater feeling, because the love that I feel for him comes back at me with equal force. I pray for the friends she'll have and the impact on their lives that she'll leave.
I want to be the kind of mom that my mom was, but I also want to be my own kind of mom. I want her to look at me as her best friend but to know that I'll never be a complete best friend because I still have a job to do as her mom. I want her to be able to talk to me about anything and know I'll listen, but I will have an opinion (I'm like that you know...an opinion on everything) and I won't judge her. To be the kind of mom her friends think is cool, kinda. But not really cool because I still have rules and I won't let her pierce her belly button or stay out after 10 on a school night. I want those same friends to be comfortable in our home. To know that Corey and I can be their refuge in trouble as much as Bethany's and that there is always someone fighting for them in corner that is right. I also want to be the Mom that apologizes to her kids, because lets face it, I'm human and I too make mistakes. (I know you had to sit down for that one but it's true, I do) I know I'm not always going to do it right but I will always try my best and I will be ok with the choices we make as her parents.
My dreams for Bethany are countles, my prayers for her are endless and my love for her beyond words. There are days and nights (like last night, when she was so sick and needing her momma) when I look at her and truely feel my heart aching with love. I am so very blessed by this little girl - she is my dream come true.