Not that I want to have black and white spots, sport my boobs on the outside of my clothes and chew cud, but rather I want to have enough to satisfy my daughter. To keep her healthy and growing and full, to feel adequate as her mother. It's just not happening.
As was the case when I had Bethany I am lacking in the dairy section. Unlike last time I was prepared for the fact that I may not have enough milk and that supplements and alternative solutions may be necessary. All through the pregnancy with Audrey I wasn't too worried, I'd start the medication again, I'd do what it took, it would be fine. And in the back of my mind I kept hearing the breastfeeding public health specialist telling me that since I was able to produce some milk the first time I should get more the second. She was right, sorta. I did get more this time, just not enough. I lasted 3 days of trying to exclusively breastfeed Audrey when I pulled out the formula and bottles. The constant rooting and screaming was more than I could take. Add to that she had rapidly dropped weight and I wasn't willing to cause either of us any more suffering. We've since settled into a good routine, I nurse and then supplement with formula. I take copious amounts of Fenugreek, Blessed Thistle and Domperidone, chug a bunch of water and then sit patiently for what usually is a good hour feeding my daughter. She gets some, I know that because when I don't nurse and only use a bottle she consumes quite a bit more, but she still needs the bottle.
Why am I complaining? Shouldn't I be thrilled there is more than last time? I am happy. And though I'm pleased, I am, however, also very sad. We live in a world where breast is best and although formula is great we are still criticized for using it (a nurse did point out that at 20 years old you'll never be able to tell a breastfed from a formula fed child, good point), but don't pull out your boob in public - it's offensive ya know *pft*, that's a whole different can of worms. What it comes down to is that as a woman and a Mother I feel inept. It`s a kick to my mojo that I don`t have the mammories to produce, and really there is nothing I can do about it.
So why talk about it? Because I'm at a crossroads. We are a month in and I'm already tired. I breastfed Bethy as best I could until she was 6 months old. It again was a lengthy process but I had the time and I wanted to do it. I want to do the same for our Audrey but the truth is, the time is a little tighter. Not that I can't make the time, but in making the time Bethany suffers. She deserves my undivided attention too and well, sometimes that's hard to do between super long feeds and household chores, errands, food....it falls between the cracks. And that aside, I'm tired. Physically I'm exhausted like any mother of a newborn and a toddler, emotionally, because I truly wish I could give her more and mentally because well, I have a toddler and newborn, you try to think clearly at 3am. Corey says it's up to me if I want to quit, the doctor says do what I can and I, well I can't decide. I want to give her the best, I love her just as much as Bethany but when is enough, enough? When is throwing in the towel not defeat and rather self preservation?
I guess it all comes down to the grass always being greener....and this time it really is on the other side of the fence.