Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Anger Management 101

Anger Management 101:
Warning: This post contains some graphic language and induces great fits of laughter - viewer discretion is advised!

When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello"
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right *%#& number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an @sshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word "@sshole" next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an @sshole!" It always cheered me up.
When caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic @sshole calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an @sshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first @sshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW @sshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is" I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen."
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an @sshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two @ssholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called @sshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an @sshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He screamed, "Stop calling me!" I said, "Make me!" He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your @ss," I answered, "Well, @sshole, here's your chance. I live in the yellow house at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax with the black beamer out front" "I'm coming over right now Don. And you had better start saying your prayers!" I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, @sshole," and hung up.
Then I called @sshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, @sshole." He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going on down in Oaktree Blvrd in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax...I got there just in time to watch 2 @ssholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
Now, I feel much better. Anger management works!
My Uncle Art sent out that e-mail a few weeks ago and I howled! If only I had the courage some days to do that, my life would be much less stressful I'm sure!
Oh, and I know that @sshole is exactly the same as asshole but the "sensor ship" makes me feel better!


Anonymous said...

you are a brat. I didn't think you would put that on here. hahah I still laugh. :) So glad that you don't have the courage to do that! haha
Loveya Mom

Kristina said...

Oh my gosh!!! That is HALARIOUS!!! I don't think I have laughed so hard before. I read it to my parents, and my mom AND dad were laughing :)

Swistle said...

Oh. Oh, I love this. Soooooooo much.