Wednesday, November 18, 2009

If only she knew...

10 years ago a few weeks back, I turned 16*. That feels weird, both to say and to think.  I was in grade 11, 10 years ago, taking classes from 6:45am till 3:45pm and working until 8:00pm almost every night.  I was saving for university, planning for my future and debating over getting my driver's license.  I dreamed of falling in love, getting married and having children.  But they were just dreams, those days were a life time away, somewhere in my distant future.  And the space in between, well, it was like a good Nancy Drew novel, full of mystery and intrugie, complete with happy endings.

I feel like somehow I managed to get into the wrong car and instead turning the key in my 1983 Toyota Corolla, I'm sitting in the DeLorean and somehow, I've managed to put 'er into warp speed. 

I know it's cliche, but I can't believe how quickly time has gone.  And while so many of my dreams have come true (hello, Corey, Bethany and Audrey!) many have not.  I'm not a pediatrician, I don't work for a hockey team and live in an arena, and I still do not drive a Chevy Silverado Thunder Special Edition.  The past 10 years have definately held their share of suspense, and for some (without cable) intrugue, there has been heartache, and headaches, happy times and stressful times, and while life isn't always a bed of roses and sometimes, it's down right weedy (it's my blog and I'll make it up if I want to), things have turned out pretty good.

Actually, that's not true.  They've turned out really good.  I knew I wanted a husband, I didn't know I wanted Corey.  I knew I wanted children, I didn't know I wanted Bethany and Audrey.  There's a difference you know, between wanting the idea of a husband and wanting the person who is your husband, the same can be said for your children.  I knew that I wanted to have and love children of my own, I did not know that I would be in love with them and I had no idea the all encompassing joy I'd feel when that love is returned so unconditionally.  I'm grateful I didn't spend thousands of dollars on an expensive medical degree because I wouldn't want to be away from my family as much as many doctors have or choose to be.  As much as I love hockey, and still thoroughly enjoy going to a game, reality has hit me upside the head something like the smell of a sweat jock strap in the summer - people don't live in arenas, they're cold, concrete and smell something like that reality that did the slapping.  I do still want that truck but since I'm the only human being on the face of the earth that remembers them, I don't think that's going to happen. 

I look at my life now, at the fact that while 26 may seem young to many, to me it's starting to feel old.  Maybe it's because I've had 2 children and that takes it's toll on a body, or maybe it's because I have 2 children and that takes a toll on a body too.  Old or not, tired or not, stressed or less stressed (let's face it, I'm one of those kinds of people and stress about stuff is what I do.), I am happy.  I am fullfiled and I am blessed.

But, if I could hop back into the Delorean one more time and go back for just a few minutes I would.  Not to change anything, I firmly believe that where you've been, makes you who you are, and changing the past can ruin the future, but I would take the chance to talk to the 16 year old me.  I'd tell her to relax about school, in the whole scheme of her life, high school is like taking a little pee in a big potty (guess what we we're doing in this house..) it's insignificant.  I'd tell her that boys suck, forget-boud-em, God has your husband picked out and he's a man, they suck way less.   And I'd tell her to stay strong, "you're going to face storms" I'd say, "But He'll carry you through, and when you are sure things will never get better, the sky will start to clear and the glory of His grace will shine through.  Hang on, the ride is rough, the road is long but the adventure you'll have is like nothing you'll ever image"

And if I were to ask her, where she'd be in 10 years she'd say, "10 years? 26?  I dunno.  I have, like forever to think about it, it's a life time away."  If she only knew...

*This has been in the works since October 28 but a whole crap load of life has been dumped on my head these past few weeks and this is the first time I've had a chance to really put fingers to keyboard.


Kimmies said...

That is such an awsome blog, you really are so blessed with the ability to write. God bless.
Love Mom Kimmie

Anonymous said...

Hey kiddo. Time for sure has blown by. Isn't it awesome that we can face the future knowing from the past that Jesus "has our backs", actually fronts, sides, tops and bottoms too! Wise advice to your "younger you". Some of those things were said, but not heard until time has passed. Remember that dear sweetheart when your girls are in those positions and they roll thier eyes at you. :) Your time now to reflect on the past will indeed be part of what Jesus uses to guide you in your immediate decisions and your future. You can rest in glad you know and believe that! Hugs.. LOVE to read your blog.

Mom / Grammy, but always your Mom

Niki said...

Loved this post, Ashley! You are a gifted write and I enjoy reading your thoughts.

And I definitely wish I could have passed knowledge I have now on to my teen-aged self! I'm sure I would not have listened though! :P

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

That was worth wait and I totally agree, there is a difference between wanting a husband and kids to wanting the ones you have. In fact, wanting the ones you have is so much BETTER, don't you think?

Excellent writing, my friend!