Sunday, August 10, 2008

What's one more?

Did you know that it's almost impossible to please a pregnant girl? If it's not too much Oreo cookie in your blizzard, it's not enough dressing on your EastSide Mario's Salad (ummm, hello world's most AH-MAZING Dressing!). If I'm not complaining that I'm naseous, I am sending my poor, sweet husband to the store at 9pm for a Booster juice.

Now, normally when not pregnant I can be a little eccentric (read: weird), I like ketchup on my Ceasar salad and have never had a drink of alcohol - ever. I was born with my heart on the right hand side of my body, with a partial twist to it and my left ear had 5 earlobes, that I had surgically removed for medical purposes at 13. I have an unusual facination/obsession with Post-It notes and have never seen the end of Apollo 13 due to the fact that I always fall alseep - after 8 tries at that movie I have given up.

Add to those "unique qualities", pregnancy hormones and you've got a recipe for disaster. See, in my first pregnancy I gained about 60lbs (including regaining the first 20lbs I lost in the hospital) and felt aweful about it. On a weekly basis I heard from my doctors that I was "gaining too much weight" I still maintained my diet of McDonald's, homemade brownies and potato chips, refusing to beleive it was that bad. Then Bethy was born, I was thrilled with my little girl and so happy to finally meet her but was hugely disappointed that I didn't lose even close to the 20lbs as was promised when I delivered her. I spent the next few months depressed about my body and the remainder of her 1st year hear enjoying every second with my girlie, all the while trying to lose the "baby fat". The hard work paid off and it finally happened, in April of this year I was officially slimmer than I was when I married Corey. YAHOOIE

Then I got pregnant. Great, we were excited, so looking forward to another baby. But secretly (or not so secretly if you're Corey and my mom) I've been terrified of the results of last time. I've been eating as well as a woman who outwardly heaves at random moments (the kind of heaves that have a disgusting noise, that is completely uncontrollable) can, maintaining my regulated "treat days" and been doing well. I've only gained about 3lbs so far and was pretty ok with it (I say pretty because I still have my panic moments), because as I keep being reminded I can't deliver a healthy baby without gaining a few pounds.

And if that weren't picky enough, I also have been begging The Big Guy, to please make it so that I don't show too soon. I hopped into my maternity pants far to early in the game with Bethany and really believe that those stretchy waist bands gave me license to nosh. And up until today I was ok with being 4 months pregnant and still wearing my skinny jeans.

Then I started seeing photos of other second time pregnant gals at my stage and wanted to cry. They all have baby bumps, I have a relatively flat stomach (it's never really been flat, just less bumpy at times than others). I'm not feeling so sick, my tummy still hurts but not like it did. This started the downward spiral of doubt.

Good ol' doubting Thomas and I could be twins from time to time. Not that I doubt God's ultimate power and precense, but I doubt a lot of my instincts, feelings and notions. I started worrying, "What if I've thought myself pregnant?", "Maybe I'm just crazy", "I don't know if I believe the tests"...You'd think after as many as I took that would be enough - it wasn't.

Corey reassured me that I was indeed pregnant, the tests said so, and the Doc did blood work. If I was only an imaginary pregnant girl they wouldn't have shown the right number of hormone levels, he'd have said something. It wasn't enough. With Beth by now I'd had 4 ultrasounds and had the reassurance of seeing my little one's heartbeat, this time I have to wait until September and I don't wanna.

Anyways, I got myself worked up enough that when Corey was out I had him pick up yet another pregnancy test. Ya know just to be sure. I know most of you are thinking that it's just the strange enjoyment I take from peeing on a stick but really this time, I wished I didn't feel the need to. I wanted to believe everything was fine but I just couldn't.

A long pee and an even longer 2 minutes later the stick showed two pink lines, I breathed easier and went back to being confident that I really am expecting.

I still don't want to gain to much weight, and I don't want to be huge pregnant before it's time, but now, maybe I'll pray a little less for the "perfect body" with no maternity clothes until I'm 9 months pregnant and spend a little more time praying for inner piece and earth shattering kicks to my spleen.

See what I mean - You just can't win, we're NEVER happy!


Anonymous said...

You are such an amazing woman, I so adore you and your incredible ideas on all things. It is so amazing how our minds will play tricks on us always. that doubt-devil is so always trying to attack us with such silly ideas. If only we would always have strong faith in God and everything really would be great, which it really is anyway... We love and miss you sooo much. God bless, Mom and John...

Anonymous said...

Ashley and Corey, I am laughing here. Hugs to you Corey for being such a terrific husband. Ashley, I love you dear. Relax my darling little girl... you are going to have a little Rosebud. :) (Sweet Rose if a girl and Bud if a boy :)) Honey, you have brought laughter to my soul since you were little...this is one more day that my heart is full. You are indeed an author. Love you dears.
Nite Nite. :)

Melissa said...

Hey, I feel your pain! I gained 52 lbs with Noah (half in the first trimester!) and was terrified of doing the same this time. So far so good, but I know what that fear is like. We need to trust in the one who made both our babies and our bodies. Maybe we can get together next spring and work off the baby weight together! Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Your funny Ash! Just remember that no matter what you gain your beautiful, your husband will always love you and you will have a beautiful baby!
Being healthy is good but sometimes your pregnant body will require things at certain times do not make yourself miserable and torcher it. PLUS you know you can lose it again. love you worry less and enjoy more.

Amanda said...

Oh, the trials and tribulations of pregnancy weight gain. I know them well. It's so hard to find the healthy balance between eating enough to support the baby and its needs, but not giving into every single craving in the process. I am terrible at it, though. I thought this time around I would barely gain anything but I have gained, pound for pound, what I did with Avelyn (thankfully I was at a 15 lb. lighter starting line). I am not looking forward to hopping on the WW bandwagon again and having to give up my nightly scoop(s) of ice cream.
You are doing so well, and I am sure you look awesome.