Friday, April 17, 2009

It's Not Fair!

"That's not Fair!"

As a hazard guess only I'd say that's one of the top 10 phrases being uttered by children around the world on a weekly if not daily basis. It's right up their with "Are we there yet?" and "Awwww, Mom (said during particularly embarrassing moments)". At a very young age we learn that life's not fair, you won't always have everything you want, and even though you have everything you need it's still "not fair". Your best friend might not get to have the privileges in life that you do or maybe she get's to go somewhere that you don't and again, it's "Not fair". A sibling may be allowed or not allowed to do something you want to do and again, "Not fair!" At 13 you decide the world sucks, your parents are stupid (it's not until much later like 25 you realize they actually do have some brains and just might know more than you) and in general your life's not fair.

Then you become an adult. Many of those "life's not fair" moments have faded from memory. You understand that life has ups and downs, you can comprehend that not everyone gets what everyone else has. You can deal with the fact that trying to keep up with the "Jones' " is rather ridiculous and somehow you cope with the reality that while life's not fair, you serve a just God, who loves you unconditionally. You rest in the comfort that He'll never give you more than you can handle and He's ultimately taking care of you. You trust it, you believe it, you cling to it - it's your faith and it's solid.

Then something awful happens, not just 1 something but 3. In a matter of days the world that you thought was being held steady by God's hand is flipped upside down. The faith that you'd have argued was solid as a rock is shaken like a Booster Juice and the phrase "Not Fair" flashes in neon lights when you close your eyes. What gives?

This past week 3 wonderful bloggers, had to deal with the unfathomable - the death their children. It's shaken the blog world at it's core. It is my GREATEST fear, that I will lose one of my daughters or my husband. That God will ask me to walk through life without the loves of my life at my side and I quake with fear at the mere thought. I would take 30 years of poopy panties and temper tantrums to never have to let go of one of my babies. It started when I was reading Kami's blog and learned about - Misty having found out only a few weeks ago the beautiful baby boy she was carrying in her womb had anencephaly, which basically means he'd be born with little or no brain and would only live a few moments. Isaac was born April 8th and lived an amazing 70 minutes (Praise the Lord!), long enough to meet his siblings and to say goodbye to his earthly family and hello to his Heavenly Father. This is a family who loves their children like we do, who deserves to have their baby and is facing hurts that I can't even begin to understand. All I could say, as tear poured down my face - "Why God? It's NOT FAIR!"

Then a few days later while reading Bethany Acutally's blog I learned of two other tragic losses. Heather and Mike lost their little girl Maddie and Shana lost her not quite 4 month old Thalon. In a matter of days God ripped 3 precious children from homes where they were loved, where they were cherished, where they were wanted and all I can say is, "It's NOT FAIR!" My Mom always said, "Tell Him you're mad. God knows it, now tell Him so you can deal with it." And let me tell you, He knows I am mad.

My faith is shaken. It's not gone, it's not changed, it's not over, but it's been rocked, and Me and God we've got some talkin' to do. When the time comes that I stand face to face with the one who made me, and I no longer have to feel the pains of this earth I'm going to need some answers...

This post has been days in the making. I have shed tears for children I've never held and grieved with parents I'll probably never meet. But this blog-o-sphere that I escape to, the place that allows me to share my family with their family, to express my feelings and satisfy the Curious George inside by reading of others, has opened up a door to me and given me a chance. A chance to love those I may never have heard of, to pray for "friends" who exist only through my keyboard and a good solid reminder to lay my children in the hand of the Father. Because no matter how angry with Him I am, there is no safer place for them or me to be.

So, whatever you believe please pray for them, visit their sites, and leave a comment, link to them or if you feel compelled donated in their honor. It's all we really can do.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

My dear daughter, you are right.. so much of life is NOT fair. Oh Ashley take all of this to Jesus, HE of all gets it. Remember He asked God to take this cup from Him. He didn't want to do what he did but He did it because He loved us. He knows that we are not God in Man...we are just men and women with hearts that break. I don't have answers why Heaven opens and calls children to be with Him. I still quake at the thought of losing any of my children, grandchildren and my beloved husband. Wow tears here dear. Tears for these families and tears for you. The one thing that has to happen Ashley is surrender. We don't get a choice but to surrender and trust that He knows. In my simple mind I often wonder is He saving them from something worse that could have happened? I don't know and cannot imagine the pain, agony, emptiness that those folks are feeling. I just know that God knows what it is to give of His Son... he gave him freely... and He knew why for us and our sins. He knows that we don't understand and understands our anger... He remember promises to NEVER leave us or Forsake us....doesn't say he will leave if we are mad and just can't understand or don't know what to say to Him. To those parents I can only say there are million wrong things to say and nothing that is right... Your anquish will be carried to Jesus arms by me on your behalf. That is the only place I know to take that...I am sorry I dont have an answer. I just have hugs , shoulders, tears and arms and prayers to help carry you. I love you Ashley. Hang on to your loved ones like I hold you and Dustin, Corey, Bethany, Audrey and Daddy... with an open hand knowing that God's hand cups over top of each of you and his fingers fit the spaces between mine and that is where my love is.. in each breath you all take.

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

I hear you, my faith is definitely shaken...the only good I see in any of this is that it has made me remember to not take my kids for granted...to spend time with them, to remember why I am here.

But the rest is horrid and unfathomable and I weep for each of those families just as you have.