Sunday, August 16, 2009

Why did you want kids?

Sitting around the table last weekend with my family my brother looked at me (after I had just "won" the battle of the antibiotics #4 with Bethany) and asked, "Why did you want kids?"

Don't get him wrong, he wasn't saying, "Why did you want kids because yours is such a monster" because she's not and he adores her, as does she him. And he wasn't saying "Why did you want kids anyway, your life was so much easier before they came along" because my life's never really been easy just like it's never really been hard, not the kind of hard that some people face. No, he was just simply asking because he wanted to know, what was it that gave me/us the desire to procreate and have children.

I had to stop and think.

It wasn't that I needed to think about whether or not I regret having my daughters, I do not and have not for one second regretted the decision that Corey and I made to have them. Bethany and Audrey are by far the greatest things that have happened in our lives and are on a daily basis not only the source of major frustration but also overflowing love and joy.

Audrey's almost 7 months old, it's hard to believe!

But he wasn't asking me if I liked having them, he was asking why I chose to have them in the first place. Going into this unknown realm we call parenthood I didn't know if I would have a boy or a girl, I didn't know if my baby would be born healthy or with a challenge,disorder or disease as so many children are, I didn't know what having a baby would do to my marriage, I didn't know the financial responsibility or what our finances would look like in 10 years and I certainly didn't know if I'd be a good Mom or fail miserably. And with all of those variables (the gender one aside) why on earth would you want to take a chance that one or all of the things you feared wouldn't go in your favor and chose to get pregnant.

Well, the answer didn't take long to come at all. Partly because I knew it and also partly because I hate silence and I will always fill it with chatter of some sort even if it is a little scattered as my thoughts are processed, filed, compiled and spewed forth.

Bethany at 8 months old, I love that they have such similar grins.

I wanted kids because I never thought I wouldn't have them. I wanted children because I needed to have children and I wanted to have kids because I believe God calls us, many of us to procreate, I was one of those called and I jumped at the chance.

I love kids, I loved kids before I had my own and could only imagine what it would be like to have kids of my own one day to love, raise, cherish and adore. And when I met Corey, he too wanted a family. His heart like my own is softened by kidlets and he felt "the call" to have some of his own. (He also seemed to think that since he aided in the raising of his younger brothers he had parenting figured out, to which I reply often pft whatever dude!)

As far as the variables well that's a whole different can of worms. From a really young age I thought that God would either make me unable to have children and I would have to adopt or he would put a child into my life that would have a mental disability. My Mom said that started really young, she doesn't know where it came from but it was just something I said. It was also something I believed whole heartedly and carried into my adult years. I too am a little baffled by where such a thought would originate but the best I can sum up is that I have a heart for children. And if I could have carried my own I'd have adopted someone else's and if I'd have had one with a challenge we'd have faced it as a family. Love is unconditional.

Beth wanted to snuggle in Audrey's bed with her because Audrey always gets to go in Bethany's bed. I gave in just as a special treat and when is saw how cute they looked I ran to get the camera. This, is what I found when I came back. aww...

Since we had all of those things covered and what we didn't have covered we'd trust God for, Corey and I decided let's do it! (not like "do it" although we did, but I mean do it as let's go, shoot for the stars....hmm this isn't getting any better is it?) Let's have a baby! Well, that and barfing up the three birth control pills surrounding your wedding night and honeymoon kinda make for some good baby creating odds. We hadn't maybe intended on being pregnant so soon, but neither were we disappointed.

When we thought we had it covered, boy were we wrong. Yes we knew we'd love our kids, no we didn't know to what extent. Yes, we knew it would have it's challenged, no we did not know it would be down right hard sometimes. I knew life would never be the same, but I didn't know I would never be the same.

Bethany and Audrey have changed our world in a way I never even imagined. And while I could go on and on about those things again, why not pop over here to this blog post because barely breathing is what I am most days when it comes to my love for them.

They have taught us that being out past 8 o'clock is being out late (even when we are sans children) , plain noodles with butter of any shape or size are excellent and that we'll do anything no matter how ridiculous to illicit even the smallest of smiles. We've learned that the sound of our children crying rips our hearts out, the thought of losing them is an unthinkable one, for even it's speculation riddles my body with grief and the sound of their laughter is actually God giving us tiny glimpses into the joy of heaven. And I've learned that as much as I love those around me, Corey included I will never love anyone with as much ferocity as I love Bethany Hope and Audrey Joy, not ever.

So why did I want to have them? Because I had to. Because I couldn't not have them and because if there is one thing I'm sure of, it's that these two little girls are well worth every moment. Whether hard or easy, they are the reward I don't even deserve and I'm glad they're mine!

I love that this picture looks like they're telling some kind of secret!


Anonymous said...

We are home from holidays now and are anxiously awaiting to see our little flowers. That is a beautiful post...I think you do get it, what it means to be a mom :)

Love always
Your Mom who is so thankful she is a Mom, Wife and Grammy

Anonymous said...

You are such an awsome daughter-in-law, we are so very blessed to have you in our family. Thank you for such a great read and pictures. I do so know what you mean about loving your children so unconditionally, we do...Love you all so much, Mom & John Kimmie

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

I love this post! I feel exactly the same way...I just had to have kids. No ifs ands or buts about it.

What a gift it is to be a parent!